Release the…Kaiju Draft

Welcome back, everyone. This site has already played host to two previous fantasy drafts, and in honor of Godzilla v Kong, we’re here again to draft ourselves some kaiju! In our last draft, we very explicitly said there could be no drafting Godzilla. Well, guess what? He’s allowed in this one.

Now, as always, we need to establish some ground rules. Here is what we’re working with:

Rules:

1. “Kaiju” is a Japanese word that means “giant monster.” That is exactly what we will be drafting. For the purposes of this draft, the sizes permitted are anything larger than a human, but smaller than a planet.  
   • E.g. Must be bigger than Jason Voorhees, but smaller than Unicron.
2. This website is Music, Movies and Hoops, so you must draft from film, but all of live-action film is available to you.
   • No animation. 
   • Claymation, however, is allowed.
3. You must draft at least one Godzilla-universe monster.
4. You must draft at least one non-Godzilla-universe monster.
5. Nothing that exists- or has existed- in nature. 
   • E.g. No T-Rex from Jurassic Park.
6. Mechas are allowed, but nothing piloted. It must be a mechanical monster that is acting under its own will. 
   • E.g. No vehicles or crafts like the Megazord.

Dan: As an extra note, we should add that since the point of this is “big monster fights,” we should aim for monsters that will actually fight, and not draft anything that’s too… magical? I’m not sure how else to put it, maybe we just have to call it when we see it. 

[Post-draft analysis added later is marked by brackets.]

The draft will be six rounds. As always, this will be a snake draft. Also as always, the draft order has been randomly assigned. It will be Dan, Dave, Will. Dan, lead us off.

The Draft

Dan, Round 1, Pick 1: Mechagodzilla

Dan: From the newest of the movies.

Dave: Good pick.

[Dan: So happy to land the first pick here, but also would have been pleased with the second. I would have been satisfied with either, as my top two rankings on my draft board were clear while the third could have gone in different directions. Ultimately, this was a fairly clear choice for me to start off the draft. I just watched Godzilla vs Kong and saw Mechagodzilla beat the snot out of Godzilla and Kong until they combined forces to stop the mechanical giant. It was also my impression that we HAD to take a “Mech” but I guess that never ended up being an official rule. Either way, great start at the top of my team.]

[Dave: We originally were going to make taking a Mech a requirement, but ultimately only made it an option- my fault here for not being more clear. But either way, Mechagodzilla is a clear top-two choice in my view. Mechagodzilla was awesome even before Godzilla v Kong, and that movie managed to make him even cooler.]

Dave, Round 1, Pick 2: Godzilla

Dave: I am going to take the obvious choice, my favorite of all kaiju, and the King of the Monsters. The straight-up, O.G., Gojira!

Dan: Can’t go wrong with that.

[Dave: I have loved the G-man since I went through a phase in 5th Grade where I watched all of his movies on VHS. Nothing was stopping me from grabbing him number one if I could. Besides, he has a list of defeated enemies a mile long.]

Will, Round 1, Pick 3: King Ghidorah, aka Monster Zero

Dave: Ugh. 

Dan: My number three pick, for the record.

Will: Now I’m gonna go a little different with my next pick…

Will, Round 2, Pick 1: Behemoth, aka Impossibly Tall Creature (The Mist)

Dave: Interesting. I’ve never seen that one.

Dan: I haven’t seen it, but I’m familiar with it. Came up in my research.

Will: I have opinions about that book versus movie that are antithetical to most people’s views on it.

Dan: Worth watching?

Will: I would say worth watching and worth reading. 

Dave: Alright, I have a tough choice here–

Dan: I know you’re going to steal one of my picks here. I know it!

Dave: Not necessarily. Since Will has already gone into a non-Godzilla swerve, I am going to swerve, too. 

Dave, Round 2, Pick 2: Queen Alien, aka Xenomorph Queen (Aliens, Alien vs. Predator)

Dan: Oh! On my list. Much lower, though.

Dave: Mm.

Dan: I like it, though.

Dave: I think with the acid blood, the ability to lay eggs, the claws, the teeth, the tail–she has a lot of offensive weaponry. She’s not super-big, although the version in Alien vs. Predator is quite large–about as big as a house. So, they have the capacity to grow pretty big. I’m digging it.

Dan: You know what? Since you guys are swerving? I’m not swerving! I’m going motherf-ing…

Dan, Round 2, Pick 3: King Kong

Dave: Pairs well with your first choice.

[Dan: Wow. This classic titan falling to my second pick really locks in the dominance of my top two spots. Kong and his dorsal-fin axe are going to be smashing opposing Kaiju that stand in his way. Not only is this giant ape massively powerful and agile, but he’s also intelligent and knows how to work on a team.]

[Dave: I do like this pick. The downside of taking a left-field choice like the Alien Queen is passing on some more obvious standouts like King Kong. The teamwork angle is a good one, I hadn’t considered that. Still, at the end of the day, he’s just a big monkey. Godzilla laid him out in the movie–and rightly so–and I think there are other Kaiju available that can take him.]

Dan: I was hoping this would drop to me, too. Because I really just wanted to say this. Release…

Dan, Round 3, Pick 1: The Kraken! (Clash of the Titans)

Will: Ooooooh!

Dave: Haha. On my draft board!

[Dan: RELEASE THE KRAKEN!!!! Getting to announce my pick like that over Zoom really made this worth it. It’s also a creature the Gods themselves feared, and gives me hegemony over the oceans too.]

[Dave: Pfft. Whatever. It got killed by a dude on a flying horse.]

Dave: I’m so glad this fell to me. I was a little worried this is what you were going to take instead of the Kraken, Dan. 

Dave, Round 3, Pick 2: Mecha-King Ghidorah

[Dave: This was going to be my number two pick, but I went with the “fun” choice of the Queen Alien. Not necessarily the best strategy, battle-wise, but it worked out in the end and I got a real heavy-hitter in the form of this upgraded cyborg-version of Monster Zero. Paired with Gojira? Watch out. My team is back up there in the strength department.]

Dan: So would this be the mech?

Dave: I’d argue so, yeah. He’s a cyborg, at least. 

Dan: Yeah, that counts.

Will: Hmm… I’m torn between picking my next-best in the Godzilla universe or… Y’know what? I am going to say because I’ve got a quote: “Their punches can crumple iron like tin, and they can tear apart solid rock like breadcrumbs.”

Will, Round 3, Pick 1: The Ents (Lord of the Rings)

Dan: Oh, okay.

Dave: That is a fascinating pick! 

Dan: Yeah, interesting pick.

Dave: Any specific Ent? Like Treebeard? Or just “Ents”?

Will: I was going just generic Ent, but if I have to be specific I’ll take Treebeard.

Dan: You don’t have to.

Will: Okay cool. I don’t know any of the other ones.

Dave: No one does.

Will: Alright so I get to go again. And just because I am in love with cleverness, I am going to go from Ent… to Ant!

Will, Round 4, Pick 1: Giant Ants (Them!)

Dave: Hahahahaha!!

Dan: Hah! Nice! Nice.

Dave: Also on my draft board!

Dan: There’s so many I want to do, still. 

Dave: Me too. Let’s do some honorable mentions at the end.

Dave: So, my next pick is not really the Godzilla universe, but it’s close. 

Dave, Round 4, Pick 2: Gamera

Will: Hmm.

Dan: Definitely on my list!

Dave: The flying fire-breathing, saber-toothed, spiky-shelled turtle!

Dan: Yeah, that’s a great pick.

[Dave: I feel like I’m really gaining ground in the “muscle” department here. After taking a swing at a cool pick with the Xenomorph Queen, my last two picks have been two bruisers that totally restored my team’s overall firepower. Now, I feel like I can safely get a little experimental with my last two picks.]

Dan: Man, a lot of my picks fell to me here. It’s an embarrassment of riches… Y’know, Will. I’m gonna take from your inspiration, but I’m gonna take the better pick from that universe.

Dan, Round 4, Pick 3: Smaug the Dragon (The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug)

Dan: I’m gonna burn that Ent to the ground!

Will: My girlfriend asked me why I didn’t do that, and I was like, because I love those f-ing trees!

Dan: Oh sure, that’s fine.

Will: Hah!

[Dan: Will previously picked up a tree-like creature, an Ent from the Lord of the Rings universe. Cool, fun choice, but one that will be burnt like kindling by my massive fire-breathing dragon! All the golden riches will be ours when we take the Championship trophy in this Kaiju battle royale.]

Dan: Jeez, now I’m having trouble deciding between the better, more logical pick, or something a little more fun to mix it up… Um… 

Dan, Round 5, Pick 1: Mega-Kaiju (Pacific Rim 2)

Dave: Huh. Is that a specific one?

Dan: Yeah, it’s three that amalgamated together to form a super-beast. It’s from Pacific Rim: Uprising, the sequel, so it’s the less-good movie, but the strongest monster.

Dave: Pacific Rim 2?!

Dan: Yeah…

Dave: I have a Pacific Rim kaiju on here, but it’s from Pacific Rim 1 because I’m not a hack.

Dan: Almost picked that one, too, but the Megakaiju is still kinda cool. And it’s in the film more, and it’s more badass. So, I had to go with it.

Dave: Mhmmm. 

[Dan: We had to give some love to the modern classic Kaiju-fight movies, Pacific Rim, if we’re going to do this draft justice. I considered taking Slattern here, the enormous category 5 monster from the first film, since he might be a bit more known. But the Mega-Kaiju from the sequel is its clear superior, and let’s face it… if you are nerdy enough to know the names of specific Kaiju from the Guillermo del Toro film you’re probably nerdy enough to be aware of the final boss, 3-Kaiju hybrid, from Uprising.]

Dave: Alright well, now I have one that I was going to save for last, but I’m going to take it here, because like you, Dan, I’m at a point where I want to mix in another interesting pick. 

Dave, Round 5, Pick 2: The Blob

Dan: Oh nice!

Dave: It can just absorb any of your shit, suck you into itself, and digest you! BEWARE OF THE BLOB!!

Will: I love that song, too. That song pops into my head more than it should. 

Dave: Also, Steve McQueen’s first film. In case you guys didn’t know.

Will, Round 5, Pick 3: SpaceGodzilla 

Dan: Nice one. 

Dave: Just a ripoff of Godzilla.

Will: Yeah, plus he’s from space!

Dave: Pff.

Will: And my last one is going to be for fun-

Dan: Rrg.

Will: And I don’t know if this crosses any boundary, because we said no ghosts-

Dan: Ah, damn..

Will, Round 6, Pick 1: The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man (Ghostbusters)

Dan: That was my pick!

Will: Hahahaha!

Dan: I mean, that counts. I was going to draft it, so you can.

Dave: Also on my draft board.

Dan: Dammit! Ugh, I knew I should have taken him earlier!

Will: I was hesitant because a lot of these are fire-breathing creatures.

Dan: Oh, I’m going to write that up. Since I didn’t get him, I’m gonna roast it! *Sigh* But it’s a good pick. Crowd pleaser.

Will: Yeah, you gotta do some crowd-pleasing at the end.

[Dave: Also technically, isn’t it not a ghost? It’s Gozer, right? I forget how it works in Ghostbusters.]

Dave, Round 6, Pick 2: Cloverfield Monster, aka Clover (Cloverfield)

Dan: Gah! That was my other pick!

Will: Yeah, that was near my top. 

Dave: Hahahaha!

Dan: Damn it! Ugh! Son of a bitch.

Dave: Not only does it fight, it also drops the little ones off of it!

Dan: Yeah, that was my Stay Puft Plan B.

[Dave: Love getting this pick here at the end. It basically is Godzilla, again. Reimagined for the modern era, sure, but it’s a tough motherf-er, with plenty of weird space-abilities to bring to the table. I’m thrilled to round out my team with this beast.]

Dan, Round 6, Pick 3: Surtur (Thor: Ragnarok)

Dan: With the eternal flame, for the record.

Dave: That is cool. 

Dan: Got that badass sword.

[Dan: I’ll be honest, we added a sixth pick last minute, and I really wanted the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man for the sheer fun of having him on my team. I loved that movie as a kid and it’s still incredible. But since Will conjured him before I had the chance, my monsters are going to ABSOLUTELY ROAST that paranormal deity like kids telling ghost stories at a campfire. 

Dave then grabbed another monster I considered from Cloverfield, so I went with the Fire Demon, Lord of Muspelheim, and Asgard’s reckoning. Thor: Ragnarok remains one of my favorite MCU movies, and Surtur deserves a spot on my team. 

My draft couldn’t have gone much better for me, based strictly on my power rankings. I got six of my top eight picks from my draft board. I control the land, sea, air, and Hollow Earth. In this Kaiju-team clash the new king is clear.]

Honorable Mentions

Dave: We are now on to honorable mentions, and I have a few I want to kick out.

Dan: So these aren’t part of our team, these are just fun to talk about?

Dave: Correct.

Dave: Rodan, Mothra, Biollante, 50ft Woman, Cthulhu

• Obviously, Rodan and Mothra deserve a shout-out in any kaiju discussion. There was just never a spot for them on my team while more creative choices were available.
• The Slattern from Pacific Rim is the final-boss category 5 from the original movie and would have been useful as a fighter.
• Biollante I came within a hair of drafting. My favorite of Godzilla’s opponents, she has the unique quality of actually winning her fight with the King of Monsters. Granted, she had help: Godzilla was poisoned at the time, and the Japanese military was helping, in an unusually effective fashion. Still, Biollante (in her second, terrifying Venus flytrap form) is a total badass.
• The 50-Foot Woman just would have been fun.
• Spoilers for the recent film Underwater ——– Freakin’ Cthulhu shows up at the end. Could have been a fun pick; I just ran out of time.

Dan: Krayt Dragon and Sandworm, Optimus Prime, Balrog, Karathen

• Only the bones of the Krayt Dragon are seen in A New Hope, but we see the full thing in The Mandalorian, and it is pretty amazing.
• That also raises the question: Why did none of us draft a Sandworm from Dune?
  • Dave: Because that movie SUCKS.
• Will should have been required to take a Mech! But he wasn’t, which is fine. He could have taken Optimus Prime, though!
  • Dave: I’d have taken Megatron. Or hell, Galvatron.
• The Balrog is another great LotR choice. And the Karathen from Aquaman was too similar to the Kraken for me to take, but would have been cool.
  • Dave: Voiced by Julie Andrews!

Will: Graboid, Iron Giant, Mulligan (Cabin Boy), Murder Squid (Watchmen)

• The graboids from Tremors were on my draft board.
• As animation, it would have been disqualified, but I want to make sure the Iron Giant gets a shout-out.
  • Dan: Yeah. It’s also in Ready Player One, but it’s still CGI, so… 
• Also not making it was the squid from the end of Watchmen. It’s in the comic, and on the tv show, but it didn’t make it into the movie, which is too bad, because it basically killed an entire city in a second. That would have been formidable. 
• Mulligan from Cabin Boy wouldn’t have been a good pick, but he’s played by one of the all-time “That Guy” actors, Mike Starr. I just think it would have been fun.
  • Dave: (Googling) Oh damn, he is a That Guy!

Final Teams

Dan: 

• Mechagodzilla
• King Kong
• The Kraken 
• Smaug the Dragon 
• The Mega-Kaiju 
• Surtur 

Dave: 

• Godzilla
• Queen Alien
• Mecha-King Ghidorah
• Gamera
• The Blob
• Cloverfield Monster

Will

• King Ghidorah/Monster Zero
• Behemoth/Impossibly Tall Monster 
• Ent
• Giant Ants
• SpaceGodzilla 
• Stay Puft Marshmallow Man

That concludes our draft!

We obviously have our own opinions, but the final choice is up to you! Who do you think won this fantasy kaiju draft? Vote in the comments below, and keep your eyes peeled for a poll on Twitter!