I have to start off with the inspiration for this article. The NBA All-Star game is on Sunday, March 7. You can find the official rosters here. I wanted to put my own personal selections out there. Then I realized that I really only had one change to the selections.

I would substitute De’Aaron Fox in for Devin Booker in the injury spot to replace Anthony Davis. I just believe that Fox has been playing better and is dragging a mediocre team into the playoff picture. Since that paragraph is too short to put up on the internet, I poured myself a glass of whole milk and really went wild, naming all-stars for all manner of categories. Follow the journey.

No Conference All-Stars

My first experiment was removing the conference designations. I’ve been very curious for a couple of years what the NBA playoffs would look like if there were no conferences and they just took the top sixteen teams and seeded them that way.

I wanted to do the same to the All-Star game. What if we took the top 24 players in the league regardless of geography or position and then made the teams out of them. The league is very close to doing that already. Two captains draft players out of a pool. However, the pool consists of twelve players from each conference. So this would change that up. I have long assumed there are players in the West that would be All-Stars in the East, no problem. So this would help sort that out. Here are my top 24 guys in the league this season.

1. LeBron James
2. Joel Embiid
3. Nikola Jokic
4. Kevin Durant
5. Bradley Beal
6. Steph Curry
7. Luka Doncic
8. Kyrie Irving
9. James Harden
10. Kawhi Leonard
11. Giannis Antetokounmpo
12. Ben Simmons
13. Damian Lillard
14. Donovon Mitchell
15. Paul George
16. Chris Paul
17. Rudy Gobert
18. Jaylen Brown
19. Jayson Tatum
20. Zion Williamson
21. De’Aaron Fox
22. Julius Randle
23. Devin Booker
24. DeMar DeRozan

Soooo, it turns out my player pool is pretty much the same? Huh. What do you know? If AD was healthy, then DeMar DeRozan would be out. Other than that, it is pretty much exactly the same list. But the conference breakdown is very close, which surprised me. Zach LaVine and Nikola Vucevic are the only real omissions.

Guess I’ll need to think of something else to do with the rest of my time…

In the Hall-Stars

This is a team of all-star players based solely on how they look walking to the court, even if you didn’t know who any of them were. Sometimes when you see a player walkout, before warm-ups have started, you make some assumptions. Some guys just *look like basketball players* even if they can’t ball. These guys are all NBA players so their game will back it up, but this is my list of some of the best in-the-hallway guys.


G: Eric Bledsoe
G: Jimmy Butler
F: LeBron James
F: Giannis Antetokounmpo
C: Dwight Howard


Russell Westbrook
Ja Morant
Steven Adams
Bam Adebayo
Lonnie Walker

Tacko Fall-Stars

This is a team made up of the most Tacko Fall players in the league.


Tacko Fall

He is a gem. A national treasure. A book of secrets.

The Tall-Stars

This is a team of people—not restricted to basketball or even sports—whom I did not realize were so tall. At least not until after I had known of their existence for a while.


G: Ben Affleck, 6’4” – Really filled out that Batman suit.
G: Elizabeth Debicki, 6’3” – the MVP of this team. Go check out The Night Manager.
F: James Comey, 6’8” – Just unnervingly tall. Must have been an asset in a meeting. Not that one meeting, but still.
F: Taylor Swift, 5’10” – I didn’t realize she was *that* tall until I started this list.
C: Conan O’Brien, 6’4” – The dude is a copper-headed giant, but sitting behind a desk makes it hard to tell.

All-Stars Stars

These are my starters for best stars or constellations. This season has seen some tough competition. During a pandemic, sometimes all you can do is just stare at the heavens, hoping for a sign.


G: North Star – You can’t leave the OG off this list.
G: Cassiopeia – Good fundamentals, points towards the North Star. An excellent pairing in the backcourt.
F: Orion – Crushing it with an elite level of visibility.
F: Big Dipper – Another legend. Like MJ in the 2001 All-Star game.
C: Nidavellir – The star forge from the MCU was a very cool interpretation for space gods.


This team is made up of things I looked forward to the most when I would go to the Oaks Mall in Gainesville, Florida as a child. RIP to malls.

G: Annie’s Pretzels – My mouth is literally watering just thinking about those buttery, probably chemically infused twists.
G: Foot Locker – Getting new basketball shoes was always a highlight of the year.
F: Wendy’s in the Food Court – It always tasted better there. I don’t know why.
F: Alladin’s Castle – It was an arcade. That was when you went somewhere else to play video games and you had to wait if someone else was playing. Insane.
C: Walking around, being within arm’s length of other people indoors. Older folks doing their laps while the teens do theirs. So much fun people watching. What a world it was.

Bathroom Stall-Stars

My milk is empty and I’m in a dairy-induced fugue state. What kind of public bathroom experience relates to NBA players or teams?

My milk is empty and I’m in a dairy-induced fugue state. What kind of public bathroom experience relates to NBA players or teams?

“For a good time, call Bradley Beal.”

  • He’s leading the league in scoring and can score from every level. The Wizards are actually winning and it’s been a joy to watch.

“Trae Young sux.”

  • I’m just not that big a fan of his game. I don’t enjoy watching him. I have aesthetic problems with some stuff too, but really it’s just about his game. To me, even his big nights feel like the most boring 40-point games. I may have to do a longer piece investigating it.

“Roses are red, violets are blue, Giannis is still good, and so is Jrue.”

  • I feel like the Bucks have been my forgotten team this season. They went into a bit of a lull when Holiday was out, but they are still a dominating force. Obviously, the bias stems from needing to see some proof in the playoffs. I don’t want to ignore what Giannis does just because of that though.

Those times when you’ve heard the awkward noises from the next stall and then you see the person when you’re washing your hands and pretend it never happened.

  • That’s the equivalent of this COVID season. It has been bizarre. Games getting postponed have become routine. Players sitting out for health and safety protocols is the new normal. The fact that I am against the league actually playing the all-star game is different. Everything that should feel upsidedown is just accepted. It’s amazing what we can adjust to.

“Remember to wash your hands” – the management

  • And remember that team owners are trying to squeeze every cent they can out of this season, which I get. It just means that safety protocols probably could have been better to start the year. Even now, with the vaccine, we still need to be diligent. Take care of each other!

Well, this piece got weird. I do think that the NBA All-Star teams are valuable. They represent a slice of history. If the people doing the selection take it seriously, it can matter. The number of All-Star nominations affects player’s cases for the Hall of Fame.

Even more immediately, it affects their contract negotiations. I am glad that the coaches, players, media, and fans seem to have really gotten it right this year. Except for Alex Caruso getting more votes than De’Aaron Fox. Can you tell I’m a big Fox fan? But really, the teams are good. I hope you enjoyed my ramblings. Thanks for reading!