I love music, movies, and hoops. One may infer that from the fact I started this website. But if there was any ambiguity on the matter, let’s put it to rest. But which do I love most? Parents say they don’t have a favorite child, but the older I get and the thinner the veil of “parent purity” becomes, the more I understand they do. So for this parent of passions, which one of my proverbial offspring do I hold most dear?
If music, movies, and hoops were personified, which would be Thor and which would be Loki? (And which would be Helena…)
I’m a professional musician and a loyal person, so it seems like the answer should be obvious. But after a decade of industry attrition, I’m not sure I would sign up for the devil I know. Being a musician is a real thing to me. It’s finally dating the dark-haired, mysterious sex pot at school only to find out he’s a dick. Movies and hoops are just ideas in my mind. Fantasies unharbored by the harshness of reality.
What would it be like to work in a front office and be intoxicated by the buzz of iconic athletes and the rigorous rhythm of a season? Would anything have been more fun than to have been on the set for Superbad or Everybody Wants Some? My heart stirs just thinking about it!
If I look at these topics head-on, I’m pulled in too many directions. Actors are probably the people I want to hang with the most. But are all these actors actually friends? Being AMAZING at basketball is the skill I most desire. But even given Curry’s shotmaking ability, at 5’10” and 33-years-old, where is that getting me?
So unable to see the forest from the trees, I have set about to Jedi mind trick my brain into determining my one true love. I came up with five things I would love to do in each topic––be able to dunk, have perfect pitch, work for Tarantino, etc. I wrote each wish on a slip of paper and put them in my hat. I am going to pick one out at a time and pit it against another in a king-of-the-court-style duel. The wish that I want most will live to fight another day. I hope this is a great journey and in the end, I discover the truth about my passions.
First selection: Act in a Judd Apatow movie
Competitor: Play NPR’s Tiny Desk
Woah! Alright, we’re in. I like this movies vs. music showdown. Let me start by saying, I love Judd. His films not only define comedy for me, they defined my youth in a lot of ways. Superbad, Freaks & Geeks, Knocked Up, and Forgetting Sarah Marshall are pantheon for me. Though––and I hate to say it––Mr. Apatow may be losing his fastball… His last two films are Trainwreck and The King of Staten Island…which you know, are good!
Mostly I’m in to hang with Hill, Rogen, Segel, and the crew, and I think they’ve mostly moved on to directing and starring in dramas.
Meanwhile, playing NPR Tiny Desk is like my #1 “you’ve made it” benchmark. It’s always been a dream of mine. Considering my band plays Indie-Folk and is at our best unplugged, the format is perfect. I’m staying in my lane––for now––Tiny Desk.
Incumbent: Play NPR’s Tiny Desk
Challenger: Have the story of my life become a movie
Yeah I mean, this challenger is pretty open-ended. Really circumstantial. If the director is a bust, I’m going Tiny Desk, but if the director is Scorsese––I’m in! Considering this thought exercise is just me, I’m judge, jury, and executioner. So I’m going to say it’s a totally solid up-and-coming director. I’ll take Olivia Wilde. Hell I’ll take Cooper Raiff from Shithouse.
To play me, man…Michael Cera could be a thing? I guess Jesse Eisenberg, but I feel like I’m just a more bouncy person. Joseph Gordon-Levitt could rock me…looks nothing like me.
I’m going movie of my life here. I’d love to watch it. I’d love my kids to watch it one day. I’d love to see how they portray me! And man, I am so lucky to say I’ve had a lot of cinematic experiences: festival performances, sparklers on summer nights, Austin adventures, love affairs, friends, family––let’s go!
Incumbent: Have the story of my life become a movie
Challenger: Play drums for the Black Pumas
Damn… Yeah. So one of these is a job. One of these involves hanging with Eric Burton and other awesome musicians all the time. One of these involves being a super successful musician. Butttt I’m going movie of my life! Just had a baby 7-weeks ago. Don’t really want to tour. Don’t want to leave her. I LOVE drums––my first instrument! But I also love singing, playing guitar, and writing songs. Not sure I can give it all up to hold court from behind the throne.
Incumbent: Have the story of my life become a movie
Challenger: Have an amazing voice
Yeah…I shouldn’t even have put this in. I’m almost mad at myself. This is the thing I want most. I’ve long said it: when it comes to music, nothing is better than a knock-you-off-your-feet voice. A soulful voice can make me melt. Beautiful tone and intonation make my hair stand on end. Give me Amy Winehouse with an acoustic. Give me Sam Cooke acapella on my porch. It’s over. It’s done.
I sing. I have made peace with my voice after 17 years. I feel grateful that I do not have a bad voice. But if I could open my pipes and wreck people…
Incumbent: Have an amazing voice
Challenger: Be friends with Jaylen Brown
Alright, hoops have shown up and come in hot. If you’ve read anything I’ve written, you may know Jaylen is my favorite player in the league. I love his game on the court and I think he does his best work off it. It would be a dream to be friends with Jaylen Brown. Perks aside, I’d just like to hang with the guy. Talk social justice, talk hoops, talk entrepreneurial pursuits. Let’s hit the river, play some cornhole, go see live music, bring it on.
Beyond the hang, imagine getting to meet the other Celtics…or think about how much it would do for the site…
But as I said, I shouldn’t have put “Have an amazing voice” on here. In the words of Austin Powers, “I’ll stay.”
Incumbent: Have an amazing voice
Challenger: Be a PA for Quentin Tarantino
Again pitting a job against a skill is tough because I really could use the money. I’ll stay voice. But if I was “in” with Quentin; like I was one of his guys, like “he pours me a scotch and we toast our creative genius when we wrap a shoot” one of his guys… Yeah, that would just be a dream.
Incumbent: Have an amazing voice
Challenger: Have perfect pitch
Woah, the music powers face off! This is very Vision vs. White Vision. Damn, I’d love to have perfect pitch. For the non-music folks, perfect pitch means you always know what note you’re hearing. I have relative pitch, which means if I hear a note and then another note, I can tell what the relationship is between them. Perfect pitch means you hear the first note and know it’s ‘A’. Perfect pitch allows you to always sing and play in tune, learn songs very quickly, and play lines back easily. It’s amazing.
Here’s the thing, nothing I could do with perfect pitch will be as emotionally impactful as a drop-dead beautiful voice. Not to mention, if you have an amazing voice you very likely have strong pitch. Now we’re getting into the weeds, so I’ll just say: staying the course.
Incumbent: Have an amazing voice
Challenger: Work in the front office for Daryl Morey
God damn it, I’ve been broke. Working in the NBA sounds amazing. I’d love to learn from Daryl. I’d love to live in Philly and work the Sixers, hang with Embiid. Everyone I know would be blown away. I’d have a real Career with a capital C. I’d love learning analytics, strategizing, and working collaboratively. I’m all-in on being the Jonah Hill to Daryl’s Brad Pitt.*
*Moneyball reference.
Incumbent: Work in the front office for Daryl Morey
Challenger: Live in the universe of Dazed and Confused for a summer
I mean, that’s probably the most fun thing I put in there. Love this movie. Love this universe. I want to spend a summer driving aimlessly, running into friends, dancing, being young, being wild. But Morey is a job, a life, a future. And as a new dad, I’m staying in that headspace.
Incumbent: Work in the front office for Daryl Morey
Challenger: Be Timothée Chalamet’s Manager
How did this get in here? “It’s not mine…honestly, that kind of thing isn’t my bag.”
[And a book, “Swedish Made Penis Enlargers and Me by Austin Powers. This thing is my bag.”]
Incumbent: Work in the front office for Daryl Morey
Challenger: Be able to dunk
Had to be in there. I’m sticking with the one that can pay for my child’s college tuition. But ask me five years ago and this is a no-brainer. I’d also love to just be me and dunk. Like not be taller or anything. Just be a 5’10” Armenian-Jewish, average build dude who just GETS UP.
Incumbent: Work in the front office for Daryl Morey
Challenger: Be an international scout
So this is a career vs. career showdown. Listen I love Europe as much as the next millennial. Would I love to scout players in Barcelona and hop a train to watch the Italian league finals? Hell yes! Of course, I would. But guys, I’m also a homebody. Get me that loft apartment in Philly. I wanna wax poetic on what we can get for Tobias Harris then go home and––watch a movie! 😉
Incumbent: Work in the front office for Daryl Morey
Challenger: Hit a halfcourt shot in a packed arena
Be dope, be absolutely dope. I’d want it to be in Boston and I want everyone I know there. Best day of my life? Yes. Worth giving up Moneyball Morey? No. Not for one night of glory.
Incumbent: Work in the front office for Daryl Morey
Challenger: Tour Europe playing my own music
Another personal goal/dream. Would be beautiful. The idea of showing up to Glasgow and people are singing along to my songs… Honestly, gives me chills. I can’t even imagine it. I’d love to tell people who I met along the way and asked, “What’re you doing here?” “Oh, I’m a musician on tour.”
Just the concept of touring Europe holds so much magic. But as I said in the open, this is the world I live in, and one thing I know: tours end, people go home. It’s not a life.
(For what it’s worth, I would choose to tour Europe for a summer over living in Dazed and Confused for a summer. That’s how much I’d love to do it.)
And that’s it! Holy shit, I guess I need to accept in my heart of hearts I’m a hoops guy.
Daryl, I’m coming!
