It’s The Batman season here at MMH, and we figured what better way to celebrate than by fantasy drafting our ideal Caped Crusader movies?
By now, you’re probably familiar with our MMH Snake-Draft format, but here are our Bat-specific rules for this latest installment of MMH Fantasy Drafts:
The object of this draft is for each contributor to try and assemble the greatest possible Batman film (with a winner to be determined via reader/audience poll, so make sure to vote at the end of the draft!) based on six key categories:
-
- BATMAN: Any one of the actors who has portrayed Batman in a theatrically released film. (Example: Val Kilmer’s Batman from Batman Forever).
- BAT-FAM: Any portrayal of a Batman ally in a theatrically released film (Example: Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s “John Blake” from The Dark Knight Rises)
- BAT-ROGUE: Any portrayal of a Batman villain from a theatrically released film (Example: Tracy Walter’s “Bob” from Batman)
- BAT-TECH: Any piece of technology used by Batman in a theatrically released film, including vehicles (Example: Shark Repellent Bat Spray from Batman ‘66)
- RECAST-A-BAT: There’s been a lot of questionable executions of wonderful Bat characters throughout history, so here’s your chance to right some wrongs. You can pick any character (with the exception of Batman) who appears in a theatrically released Batman film, and recast them with a performer of your choosing (Example: Denzel Washington as The Penguin).
- THREAT TO GOTHAM: Any threat to Gotham City, its people, or other potential Gotham-related crime that Batman has been faced with in a theatrical release (Example: Gotham City is frozen by giant freeze ray from Batman and Robin).
RESULTS
Ivy:
- Batman – Christian Bale (The Dark Knight Trilogy)
- Bat-Fam – Lieutenant Jim Gordon (Jeffery Wright, The Batman)
- Bat-Rogue – The Penguin (Colin Farrell, The Batman)
- Bat-Tech – The Burton Batmobile (Batman, Batman Returns)
- Recast-a-Bat – Tilda Swinton as The Riddler
- Threat to Gotham – Corrupt Cop Killing Spree (The Dark Knight)
Carl:
- Batman – Adam West (Batman ‘66)
- Bat-Fam – Alfred (Andy Serkis, The Batman)
- Bat-Rogue – The Joker (Heath Ledger, The Dark Knight)
- Bat-Tech – BvS Batmobile (Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice)
- Recast-a-Bat – Ed Harris as Mr. Freeze
- Threat to Gotham – Joker Terrorism Campaign (The Dark Knight)
Samantha:
- Batman – Will Arnett (The Lego Batman Movie)
- Bat-Fam – Cassandra Cain
- Bat-Rogue – The Penguin (Danny DeVito, Batman Returns)
- Bat-Tech – The Animated Series Batmobile (Mask of the Phantasm)
- Recast-A-Bat – Kiera Allen as Barbara Gordon
- Threat to Gotham – Gotham Cut Off From The World (The Dark Knight Rises)
Nate:
- Batman – Robert Pattinson (The Batman)
- Bat-Fam – Alfred (Jeremy Irons, Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice)
- Bat-Rogue – Catwoman (Michelle Pfeiffer, Batman Returns)
- Bat-Tech – Bat-Bike AKA Bat-Pod (The Dark Knight)
- Recast-a-Bat – Jonathan Majors as Harvey Dent/Two-Face
- Threat to Gotham – Vengeful Murder Spree By Love-Interest Blamed On Bat (Mask of the Phantasm)
- Batman – Michael Keaton (Batman, Batman Returns)
- Bat-Fam – Superman (Henry Cavill, Batman v. Superman: Dawn Of Justice)
- Bat-Rogue – The Riddler (Paul Dano, The Batman)
- Bat-Tech – Bat Shark Repellent (Batman ‘66)
- Recast-a-Bat – Bill Hader as The Joker
- Threat to Gotham – Bat Identity Discovered, Bat Extorted (The Dark Knight)
Sasha:
- Batman – George Clooney (Batman and Robin)
- Bat-Fam – Catwoman (Zoë Kravitz, The Batman)
- Bat-Rogue – Ra’s al Ghul (Liam Neeson, Batman Begins)
- Bat-Tech – The Tumbler Batmobile (The Dark Knight Trilogy)
- Recast-a-Bat – Florence Pugh as Robin
- Threat to Gotham – Fear-Toxin In The Water (Batman Begins)
Cody:
- Batman – Kevin Conroy (Mask of the Phantasm)
- Bat-Fam – Lucius Fox (Morgan Freeman, The Dark Knight Trilogy)
- Bat-Rogue – Scarecrow (Cillian Murphy, The Dark Knight Trilogy)
- Bat-Tech – 1966 Batmobile (Batman ‘66)
- Recast-a-Bat – Javier Bardem as Ra’s al Ghul
- Threat to Gotham – Villain Runs for Mayor (Batman Returns)
WHO WON THE DRAFT? Sorry, there are no polls available at the moment.
***SPOILER WARNING: Mild plot spoilers for all theatrically released Batman films, including 2022’s The Batman.***
THE DRAFT
ROUND 1: The Hero Gotham Deserves
Ivy: Okay. For my first pick, I’m going to select arguably the most essential element of a Bat movie: the Bat himself. I am going for the Dark Knight Trilogy protagonist CHRISTIAN BALE.
IVY, PICK 1.1: Batman – Christian Bale (The Dark Knight Trilogy)
Ivy: In my (correct) opinion, Bale is the best of the Bats because of his versatility between BAT and MAN (Bruce Wayne).
Sasha: I mean, a real zag not taking Ben Affleck. But I think that’s kinda indie and cool.
Ivy: Batfleck was absolutely my second choice
Carl: Okay, I’ll take Heath Ledger’s Joker.
CARL, PICK 1.2: Bat-Rogue – The Joker (Heath Ledger, The Dark Knight)
Carl: The main reason is his propensity for chaos. And just how f*****g awesome he was. He was just misunderstood. There’s a “joker” in all of us. He didn’t have a plan, per-say, he just wanted to see the world burn (okay maybe he wasn’t misunderstood).
Nate: Ja Morant-esque #2
Sasha: Verryyyy Ja of you
Samantha: Alright then, for my pick, I’m going to pick my Bat Ally–I’d like to take Ella Jay Basco’s Cassandra Cain from Birds of Prey!
SAMANTHA, PICK 1.3: Bat-Fam – Cassandra Cain (Ella Jay Basco, Birds of Prey)
Samantha: In the comics, Cass is a Batgirl and eventually becomes Bruce’s adopted daughter. In Birds of Prey, she’s a street thief who ends up hanging around Harley Quinn. I think it’d be fascinating for that version of her to end up crossing paths with Batman, probably by initially trying to steal something from him and then ending up helping along the way. (Which, stealing something and then helping along the way is one Robin’s origin story- it’s happened before!)
Nate: Woooooooooooow CC off the board. Was hoping she would drop, Orphan is an all-time fav.
Nate: Alright, fourth pick of the draft. I would argue that the thinnest category we have is the Bat cat. I would also argue that, while a number of actors have nailed Bruce Wayne (shouts to #1 overall pick Mr. Bale), no one has ever perfectly captured the Bat in his Bat form—at least not until this past week. With the number four pick of the draft, I will be selecting Robert Pattinson’s Batman.
NATE, PICK 1.4: Batman – Robert Pattinson (The Batman)
Nate: A truly unhinged, inventive, brooding, work-in-progress portrayal of the caped crusader that captures all the physicality and menace of the character, while also making it very clear that this dude is an unrefined weirdo. Pattinson is a versatile Bat who opens the door for my movie to go in a million different directions, and I couldn’t be happier than to get him here.
Sasha: I can always count on you to be 100% you. When it’s not ruining drafts for me, I find it comforting
Simon: Not at the top of my draft board, but I feel like I have to pick a Batman here based on value alone. Kinda like how you always take an RB first in fantasy. I’ll happily grab Keaton and his magical disappearing eyeblack.
SIMON, PICK 1.5: Batman – Michael Keaton (Batman, Batman Returns)
Nate: Simon, primed to sweep the Gen X voting block right out the gate. Love to see it.
Simon: I see myself as a Gen X in Gen Z body. Always been a Keaton guy. If anyone cares: 1) Battinson, 2) Keaton, 3) West, 4) Batfleck, 5) Bale, 6) Kilmer, 7) Clooney.
Ivy: I feel like we would really get along based on your previous comments. That being said, this is incorrect.
Sasha: With the sixth pick in the first round, in the Bat-Fam category, I will select Zoë Kravitz’s Catwoman.
SASHA, PICK 1.6: Bat-Fam – Catwoman (Zoë Kravitz, The Batman)
Sasha: I haven’t even seen this movie yet. But she’s getting rave reviews across the board, from critics and fans. And tbh, she had me at:
Nate: I mean, I’m thrilled Zoë got a first-round selection, but this is a board shake-up for sure.
Sasha: She gets it for High Fidelity alone! #BringBackHighFedility
Cody: Pick seven, I’m going with a Batman in the first round as well. Simon’s analogy is good. I’m going with the personification of Kevin Conroy’s Batman from Mask of the Phantasm.
CODY, PICK 1.7: Batman – Kevin Conroy (Mask of the Phantasm)
Cody: However we make that real, I’ll figure it out. He’s the definitive version of Batman for me. Maybe my movie is animated?
Sasha: That was my pick… Damn you, Cody
Nate: A classic “Kravitz before Bat coming back to bite you” allegory.
ROUND 2: You Can’t Be Too Careful With All Those Weirdos Running Around!
Cody: I’m going with Cillian Murphy as my baddie. His portrayal of an unhinged man hiding in plain sight is underrated.
CODY, PICK 2.1: Bat-Rogue – Scarecrow (Cillian Murphy, The Dark Knight Trilogy)
Nate: Wowwwwwwwwwwwwww sniped him right off my board. Great grab.
Sasha: With the ninth pick in the draft, in the Bat-Rogue category, Team Kravitz selects Liam Neeson’s portrayal of Ra’s al Ghul, the mastermind behind The League of Shadows.
SASHA, PICK 2.2: Bat-Rogue – Ra’s al Ghul (Liam Neeson, Batman Begins)
Sasha: I’m not entirely sure what the League of Shadows is or what their ultimate goal was, but absolute 10/10 villain name. Love that they’re basically ninjas. Love the goatee. And big picture, my crew so far is Zoë Kravitz and Liam Neeson. So if we’re being judged by “best crew to take on a pontoon boat with a cooler of beers,” I’m crushing the game. [Editor’s Note: We are not being judged by “best crew to take on a pontoon boat with a cooler of beers”]
Nate: Sash, I love the crew and am baffled by the draft strategy, but lemme get on that pontoon ASAP
Ivy: I think you’re playing a different game.
Sasha: I mean I’m here for chats and chills ultimately…
Ivy: THAT TRACKS
Simon: I was pretty worried that my guys were gonna be going off the board fast, but Sasha is playing this like some mid-2000s Grizzlies Chris Wallace draft strategy, so I’m feeling good. I’m torn between an ally and a villain here, and I can guarantee that they won’t both be there for my next pick, so I’ll go with the safe choice. Give me Henry Cavill’s Superman.
SIMON, PICK 2.3: Bat-Fam – Superman (Henry Cavill, Batman v. Superman: Dawn Of Justice)
Simon: I understand the criticisms, but he looks like the most Superman-y Superman ever, straight from the comics. I loved Man of Steel, and I’ve been a BvS defender for years. Gladly taking Cavill here, but I’m more interested in him as Clark Kent. More on that later…
Nate: I gotta say, this is not what I expected. Keaton plus Cavil is quite a pair. It also frankly leaves me with an embarrassment of riches, because I now get one of the top three picks on my board in the second round. We already know Pattinson works well with a Cat. So, all respect to the frankly fantastic Zoë Kravitz, I’m gonna go ahead and pair him with the best to ever do it—a top-two villain performance in Bat history, one who can push my Pat-Bat even further to his limits: Michelle Pfeiffer’s Catwoman, come throuuuuuuuuuuuughhhhh.
NATE, PICK 2.4: Bat-Rogue – Catwoman (Michelle Pfeiffer, Batman Returns)
Ivy: Nate, I’m so mad at you.
Nate: No marital vows in #Batdrafts
Samantha: Alright, I think I’m going to pick my Bat-Rogue – let’s go with Danny DeVito’s Penguin!
SAMANTHA, PICK 2.5: Bat-Rogue – The Penguin (Danny DeVito, Batman Returns)
Samantha: Oswald Cobblepot is a fascinating character and DeVito’s portrayal brought him to life in a very memorable way! Plus, DeVito recently returned to the character to write a comic story, which was fascinating to see, and has brought his portrayal back to the front of my mind.
Simon: I don’t know if I can even appreciate any other Penguin after Colin Farrell blew everyone off the screen…
Carl: Aight, I’m picking Adam West – Batman.
CARL, PICK 2.6: Batman – Adam West (Batman ‘66)
Carl: Classic detective super nerdy Batman. He had all the advanced bat tech in the 60s. He was funny, debonair, a real ladies’ man, every movie and tv show sweeping the baddies off their feet. He cussed criminals out each episode. His bat gear was timeless. He felt like a regular guy in a suit. That became a hero. Man of the people. He really put a face on Batman for ya boy. Krunch, klonk, bam, ouch…lest we forget, POW. Cmon.
Nate: I would like to submit for the record the following evidence of Adam West’s crime-fighting prowess:
Nate: My guy is dead inside the first 15 of the movie.
Carl: He is in no way making it through the whole movie alive.
Ivy: Alright. I can’t say much about these picks because I don’t want to inadvertently spoil anything…for my second choice, I’m going with Jeffrey Wright for my Bat-Fam.
IVY, PICK 2.7: Bat-Fam – Lieutenant Jim Gordon (Jeffery Wright, The Batman)
Ivy: He’s going to be an excellent partner for Bale (and I can’t wait for this version of Gordon to interact with the top-tier Bruce Wayne).
ROUND 3: I Like To Fight Around
Ivy: For my third pick, I’m going to be choosing a villain. While I’m livid that Nate stole my top choice in Pfeiffer, I’m happy to take Colin Farrell’s Penguin as not only a fantastic baddie, but also someone who can relieve my dark thriller with a pinch of comedy.
IVY, PICK 3.1: Bat-Rogue – The Penguin (Colin Farrell, The Batman)
Carl: Andy Serkis as my Alfred.
CARL, PICK 3.2:
Carl: Because who doesn’t need a butler /surrogate father with military experience who can help you solve crimes and take a bomb to the face?
Samantha: Alright, I’m gonna make a kinda out-there choice for my Batman because…well, the options at this point are starting to get limited. And I think whatever I’m throwing together with my picks here is already gonna be chaotic so I may as well embrace that: I’ll take Will Arnett’s Lego Batman!
SAMANTHA, PICK 3.3: Batman – Will Arnett (The Lego Batman Movie)
Samantha: How him being a Lego works into this, I could not say (maybe… maybe they’re all legos here?), but in terms of the portrayal and characterization–he’s a particularly comedic version of the character who certainly had some growing up to do…considering how prominent the theme of finding family was within The Lego Batman Movie, having him cross paths and work with street-thief Cass feels like it could be a lot of fun!
Sasha: That was so god-damn smart. Sam left the confines of the graphic laboratory and came to PLAY.
Nate: Alright, with a Pfeiff-Cat/Pat-Bat pair, I feel like there are only a few threats to Gotham that make sense. So for my T2G, straight from the frames of The Mask of The Phantasm, I’ll be selecting “a vengeful murder spree against the crime bosses of Gotham, which is blamed on the Batman, but he later discovers is being perpetrated by his love-interest.”
NATE, PICK 3.4: Threat to Gotham – Vengeful Murder Spree By Love-Interest Blamed On Bat (Mask of the Phantasm)
Simon: I am overjoyed to select Paul Dano’s Riddler. Arguably the best supervillain performance behind Ledger.
SIMON, PICK 3.5: Bat-Rogue – The Riddler (Paul Dano, The Batman)
Nate: “Arguably” doing a lottttttttt of work.
Simon: The character felt like an alternate timeline of his character from Prisoners. Simultaneously meek and menacing. He’s a brilliant actor and an even scarier villain.
Sasha: With my third pick, in the bat gear cat I will be selecting the Tumbler.
SASHA, PICK 3.6: Bat-Tech – The Tumbler Batmobile (The Dark Knight Trilogy)
Carl: Elite pick brother.
Sasha: Nolan really threw down with this one. He didn’t refine the Batmobile, he completely reimagined it. Designed by a sparkling Lucius Fox (Morgan Freeman) and based on an off-road military tank, The Tumbler combines utility, power, and speed for the ultimate innovation in bat transportation. The Tumbler represented the toughness and drip that provided credibility for Bale’s Batman.
Cody: For Bat-Fam, I’m going with Morgan Freeman’s Lucius Fox.
CODY, PICK 3.7: Bat-Fam – Lucius Fox (Morgan Freeman, The Dark Knight Trilogy)
Cody: I will also let you in on a little secret and say that in this film, he’ll be playing almost an Alfred role because of how my plot shakes out.
ROUND 4: About The Whole No Guns Thing…
Cody: And for my Bat-Tech, Lucius has helped Bruce redesign Thomas Wayne’s old car: I’ll be taking the 1966 Batmobile.
CODY, PICK 4.1: Bat-Tech – 1966 Batmobile (Batman ‘66)
Ivy: I’M FURIOUS!
Sasha: In the Threat to Gotham category I will be selecting the water vaporizing scene from Batman Begins.
SASHA, PICK 4.2: Threat to Gotham – Fear-Toxin In The Water (Batman Begins)
Sasha: My guy, Ra’s al Ghul raises the bridges, thus isolating The Narrows, and kicks on this microwave emitter, which turns water into vapor. He then releases a chemical into the vapor that makes everyone hallucinate with fear. Always thought that was a smart and freaky plot device. I like that everyone is suddenly having a TERRIBLE trip. The scope of space gets very contained and claustrophobic. You get some great Scarecrow and Katie Holmes [EDITOR’S NOTE: Sasha does not get Scarecrow or Katie Holmes, as he did not select either]. Great threat.
Simon: I’m gonna pick a threat to Gotham: I want the plot of my fake movie to be Batman’s identity being discovered. This is a bit outside of the box, since it’s never been the central plot of a theatrical release, but it’s been touched on and threatened in a lot of them.
Nate: Toeing the lineeeeeeee there Simon. I think to stick to the spirit of the rule, we at the very least need to pin it to a specific instance in a movie when his identity coming out poses a threat to him or people in Gotham.
Simon: I’ll tag it to the Dark Knight extortion plot.
SIMON, PICK 4.3: Threat to Gotham – Bat Identity Discovered, Bat Extorted (The Dark Knight)
Nate: With the fourth pick in the fourth round, I will be selecting a piece of Bat-Tech that, with all due respect to the esteemed Tumbler, is the single coolest vehicle to come out of The Dark Knight (featured in the best scene of said movie): The Bat Bike:
NATE PICK 4.4: Bat-Tech – Bat-Bike AKA Bat-Pod (The Dark Knight)
Carl: Good pick
Nate: A more versatile vehicle than traditional Batmobiles, featuring multi-directional rotating wheels. It’s lean, it’s mean, and it’s a perfect fit for my Bat.
Cody: Plus it has guns for the hero who vowed to never use guns.
Nate: Fascinating take from a guy who picked a car with a rocket launcher.
Samantha: For my next pick I’ll take my threat to Gotham: the whole city of Gotham getting isolated (due to explosions of the bridges leading to the city and the threat of worse to come if anyone attempts to leave) from The Dark Knight Rises.
SAMANTHA, PICK 4.5: Threat to Gotham – Gotham Cut Off From The World (The Dark Knight Rises)
Samantha: While DeVito’s Penguin is my chosen rogue, I don’t see this as his doing so much as him causing problems for Lego Batman & Birds of Prey Cass in the aftermath of this having happened to the city (a la the comic run No Man’s Land, which people often pointed to as an inspiration for that bit of The Dark Knight Rises) – so the threat is serving as more of a looming background catalyst that sets the scene rather than the direct conflict.
Carl: For Threat to Gotham, I’ll take The Joker’s terrorism campaign
CARL, PICK 4.6: Threat to Gotham – Joker Terrorism Campaign (The Dark Knight)
Carl: Joker tried to end Gotham not by pulling a trigger, but by forcing them to look their humanity in the mirror. Can you take your fellow human’s life to save your own? Would your bias lead you to the right answer? Or would we all sink with the ship in the name of what is right?
Ivy: Okay, buckle up folks. My fourth pick is the Burton Batmobile – a classy choice for my guy Bale.
IVY, PICK 4.7: Bat-Tech – The Burton Batmobile (Batman, Batman Returns)
Ivy: This tech obviously looks awesome and is ranked the number one Bat-vehicle on most (if not all) sites. I’d say I’m pretty lucky to have gotten it.
ROUND 5: You Wanna Get Nuts?!?!
Ivy: For my fifth pick, I’m about to mop up: I AM RECASTING A BAT. In a previous round, I chose the Penguin as my secondary villain, which means I now need a big-bad… I am honored to be picking The Riddler, played by none other than the bone-chilling TILDA SWINTON.
IVY, PICK 5.1: Recast-a-Bat – Tilda Swinton as The Riddler
Cody: Tilda as The Riddler is downright brilliant. Well done Ivy.
Ivy:
Carl: Alright, for Bat-Tech, I’ll go with the BvS Batmobile.
CARL, PICK 5.2: Bat-Tech – BvS Batmobile (Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice)
Cody: Definitely an underrated combo of the Tumbler and the ‘89 batmobile. Good choice if you’re all taking second after the ‘66 one anyway.
Samantha: Time for my Recast-a-Bat: Barbara Gordon is the commissioner’s daughter, the most famous Batgirl, and has been in more than one movie (The Lego Batman Movie, and a greatly altered adaptation in Batman and Robin); but I’d like to take the character in a different direction than what the big screen has seen, having actress Kiera Allen (star of the 2020 thriller Run alongside Sara Paulson) play the part.
SAMANTHA, PICK 5.3: Recast-A-Bat – Kiera Allen as Barbara Gordon
Samantha: By casting a wheelchair-using actress, this portrayal would lean into the Oracle version of the character that Barbara became after being shot by the Joker–the hacker and information hub for the Bat-Family. Since she and Cass have had a very close relationship in the comics, I think adding her presence into what I’m throwing together would work nicely. Plus, with Lego Batman as my lead ( not the most mature version of the character) having Barbara around as a voice of reason on their Bat team feels like a good idea.
Nate: LOVE Babs making an appearance. Alright, second-to-last pick for me, and I’m also going Recast-a-Bat here. I’ll be calling upon one of my favorite young actors in the game to resuscitate a villain who’s frankly been done dirty by his previous film adaptations. Jonathan Majors, who’s showcased his heart-wrenching dramatic range in The Last Black Man In San Fransisco, his leading-man-charisma in The Harder They Fall, and his tortured villainous side in [REDACTED, but if you know you know], will be bringing all three to the table in his portrayal of Harvey Dent, AKA Two-Face.
NATE, PICK 5.4: Recast-a-Bat – Jonathan Majors as Harvey Dent/Two-Face
Nate: He has the magnetism to believably inspire Pattinson’s Wayne, the ferocity to destroy him when he finally turns, and will bring a different dimension of villainy to the film than Pfeiffer’s anti-heroine role. Plus, I get a little injection of my favorite comic run (The Long Halloween) into my modern Phantasm re-imagining.
Simon: I’m gonna recast-a-bat and take Bill Hader to play the Joker.
SIMON, PICK 5.5: Recast-a-Bat – Bill Hader as The Joker
Simon: A lot of people don’t realize how damn good of an actor he is. He’s not just the guy who breaks on SNL, dude can be serious, comedic, dramatic, and legit intimidating at times. A perfect combination for the Clown Prince of Crime.
Samantha: Him playing an evil clown himself after being adult Richie in It: Chapter 2 also just feels like a fascinating transition between roles.
Sasha: In the Batman category I will be selecting Javicia Leslie’s portrayal of Batwoman in CW’s eponymous series. Javicia’s portrayal brings a grit and thoughtfulness that are a perfect balance for my team. Hook her up with the Tumbler and some help from The Cat, we can’t be stopped!
SASHA, PICK 5.6, ATTEMPT 1: Batman – Batwoman (The CW’s Batwoman)
Nate: Would be an amazing pick if Batwoman was a theatrical release. Also if Batman and Batwoman were the same characters. Props for the out-of-the-box thinking though!
Sasha: Nate. Not great. Is Clooney on the board for fuck sake??
Nate: Clooney is available
Sasha: … What are the other Batmen?
Cody: Val Kilmer is also available.
Sasha: With the 6th pick, I will select George Clooney.
SASHA, PICK 5.6, ATTEMPT 2: Batman – George Clooney (Batman and Robin)
Sasha: And feel unbelievably neutral about it.
Nate: Wow. Batfleck goes undrafted
Cody: How is that possible? I can’t believe you took Clooney ahead of Batfleck.
Ivy: It’s actually upsetting.
Sasha: My draft is littered with misses, but I’m going out strong! My recast is FIRE.
Nate: Is it Ben Affleck in place of George Clooney?
Cody: My Threat to Gotham is gonna be fun. And I like my recast. Let me set up these two with what my movie is because these are my final two: Batman can fight anyone hand to hand. Lucius Fox has helped Wayne Enterprises become a truly benevolent force—as well as outfitting Batman with cool stuff like a dual-cockpit convertible with slick red piping. But can Batman battle for the soul of a city? Scarecrow has created a unique fear toxin, and he’s been recruited by (my Recast-a-Bat) Ra’s al Ghul played by JAVIER BARDEM.
CODY, PICK 5.7: Recast-a-Bat – Javier Bardem as Ra’s al Ghul
ROUND 6: Not Winning, But Failing
Cody: Ra’s is using the fear toxin to (Threat To Gotham) RUN FOR MAYOR of Gotham to take out Wayne Enterprises and Bruce personally. The fear toxin is used to cause unrest, and a politician can capitalize on that fear and rise to the top, turning the people against Batman in the process.
CODY, PICK 6.1: Threat to Gotham – Villain Runs for Mayor (Batman Returns)
Simon: Bardem is an awesome recast. Ra’s al Chigurh.
Cody: I enjoyed Neesom’s Ra’s, but he lacked a certain unstableness that Bardem captures perfectly.
Nate: A brilliant plan, only to be foiled by the awesome power of A CD You Can Scratch:
Sasha: Okay last pick, in Recast, I will be selecting Florence Pugh to play Batman. I think we’d all love to see it. She’s bad to the bone and tough as nails. I think she could be an AMAZING Bruce and an even better vigilante. I’ve had bad picks, I’ve had picks taken away from me, but someone’s gotta take the final shot. And I’ll never shy away from it.
SASHA, PICK 6.2, ATTEMPT 1: Recast-a-Bat – Florence Pugh as Batman
Nate: I sincerely love you so much. And this is not allowed.
Cody: Sasha! It’s in the rules you can’t recast Batman.
Sasha: OH MY GODDDDD. WTF.
Cody: You are the David Kahn of this draft my friend.
Sasha: I will select Florence Pugh as Robin
SASHA, PICK 6.2, ATTEMPT 2: Recast-a-Bat – Florence Pugh as Robin
Cody: Alright! That’s a great call.
Sasha: I’m gonna go have like 6 cigarettes out back.
Samantha: I know you went for a more general Robin, but now I’m just picturing Florence as Stephanie Brown, since there is a blonde female Robin in the comics.
Simon: For Bat-Tech I’d like to select the obvious choice: Shark Repellent!
SIMON, PICK 6.3: Bat-Tech – Bat Shark Repellent (Batman ‘66)
Simon: In my film, Batman tries to develop an IRL shark/animal repellent for his work in the field. Up-and-coming journalist Clark Kent leaks this info to PETA, which incites a nationwide protest and blacklisting of Batman and eventually the Wayne family name as a whole.
Nate: Omg.
Simon: Though all of that was a joke, animal cruelty is not. Take care folks. Goodnight Gotham
Nate: Alright, my final pick. I would argue that the most important relationship in Batman’s life, above any romantic or antagonistic relationships, is his relationship with Alfred. And while Michael Caine may be the most famous Alfred portrayer, he also fundamentally betrayed the trust of Bruce on multiple occasions, and has a wildly bad crying face. So for my pick, I will be selecting more of a hands-on Alfred, one who can bring both the necessary emotional range and also the boots-on-the-ground capabilities to help Pat-Bat in the field; an Alfred who never got his due, and never had a movie that did his brilliant portrayal justice. Jeremy Irons, welcome to the Bat-Fam.
NATE, PICK 6.4:
Ivy: Great pick!
Samantha: Alright, all I’ve got left to pick is my Bat-Tech, and I beliiiieve this one is still available: The Batmobile from Mask of the Phantasm!
SAMANTHA, PICK 6.5: Bat-Tech – The Animated Series Batmobile (Mask of the Phantasm)
Carl: I clearly do not know anything about Batman.
Nate: Just in time for your final pick!
Carl: To conclude my shitty draft and put my entire roster out of its misery: my final pick for Recast-a-Bat is Idris Elba as Batman. I do not have a reason why. But if imagine him as Batman in The Harder They Fall then he’d be a pretty gruesome Batman… and frankly, somebody needs to finally clean Gotham up. Respectfully
CARL, PICK 6.6, ATTEMPT 1: Recast-a-Bat – Idris Elba as Batman
Nate: I am so sorry, but you still can’t recast Batman.
Carl: Lmaooo. Just take me out back Nate. Aight so…let’s go Ed Harris as Mr. Freeze. I have no reason why.
CARL, PICK 6.6, ATTEMPT 2: Recast-a-Bat – Ed Harris as Mr. Freeze
Nate: Hahahahahaha that’s good!
Carl: Okay. Thank God.
Ivy: FOR THE FINAL PICK OF THE DRAFT, in the Threat to Gotham category: I am choosing the murder spree against corrupt cops (and others getting killed along the way, inevitably) from The Dark Knight.
IVY, PICK 6.7: Threat to Gotham – Corrupt Cop Killing Spree (The Dark Knight)
Ivy: This will provide a blueprint for my movie that is the perfect blend between Zodiac, Silence of the Lambs, Memento, and Gone Girl. Tilda is about to create mayhem for Gotham, while Bale solves twisty misty mysteries along the way. What do I win for best roster?
Sasha: Smh unreal.
Nate: Y’all, we did it!
Sasha: I literally have zero more words to say about this experience
